What do I say?
I was in the middle of writing one of my blog posts when a close friend called to say that his father had sadly died. Even though I’m a celebrant, and I am seldom at a loss for what to say at a funeral, I still find it difficult to say the right thing to someone who has just been bereaved. I know I’m not alone in this. Many people struggle to find the right words, and may end up saying nothing at all for fear of saying the wrong thing, or say something insensitive without meaning to due to being caught unawares in the moment. Sometimes there can be a similar problem writing messages of condolence in cards or emails. So, today, I thought it would be helpful to take a brief look at what different cultures say, and what people do and don’t find to be words of comfort.
In my own culture, the traditional message for a grieving person is “I wish you long life”. However, many people, myself included, aren’t particularly keen on this. How many of us are focused on a long life for ourselves when the bottom has just fallen out of our world? I prefer another of our traditional sayings, “May their memory be a blessing”. I think this transcends all faiths and cultures, and acknowledges that we will always have the memory of our loved ones to accompany us. Buddhist and Hindu traditions say “May they continue their journey in peace”, because they believe that the person’s essence will continue in a different physical form. Wishing the deceased peace, particularly after an illness, is a lovely sentiment, and is echoed in Western tradition by the phrase ‘”May they rest in peace”. Islamic tradition offers us, ” We belong to Allah, and to Him we shall return”, which may be appropriate for people of faith.
Most faith-based phrases seem to focus on the one who has died, but we may like to express support for mourners too. “I wish you strength at this difficult time” is a kind phrase, acknowledging that times are hard. I prefer this kind of wording than things that people say to try and minimise the impact of the death, such as “They lived a long/good/happy life”. This may be true, but it could be taken the wrong way as an effort to minimise what the mourner is going through. “Please let me know if there is anything I can do” is a very kindly meant phrase and one that we have all used (me included), but very often the bereaved person is in a state where they don’t know what they want, and even if they did, they don’t want to be a burden. Instead, offer to do a specific thing; “Can I bring you a meal?”, “Can I look take the kids out for the afternoon to give you some quiet time?” gives the mourner an idea of what you are able to do and what they can ask of you.
There are some phrases that people tend to find less helpful, even though they are well meant. Here are some that people tend to like less, and ideas about what you might consider instead.
“I know exactly how you feel”. Unless you have been in precisely the same situation, you probably don’t. Instead you could say, “I can’t imagine what you are going through, but I’m here to listen whenever you need me”.
“They’ve gone to a better place”. You don’t know this for sure, and if the person is not religious it may not be something they believe. Instead, you could say, “Sometimes talking about memories can help. Would you like to share a memory of X with me?”
