There are always possibilities
The other day, I read a social media post that made me sad. It was by a woman whose mother had chosen to purchase a direct cremation to save her family the effort and expense of organising a funeral. What she didn’t know was that the company involved would take her body to a storage facility at an undisclosed location and carry out the cremation when it suited them, not letting the family know when that would be. Worse still, they did not handle the body with care and respect when they came to collect it. Understandably, this left the daughter distraught.
I am sure that not all direct cremation companies behave so badly, but I do urge people contemplating this option to do their due diligence and understand exactly what’s involved. I’m told that these companies can do quite a hard sell over the phone. They use words like ‘faff’ to describe a funeral and persuade vulnerable people that their loved ones’ lives will be easier without the ‘inconvenience’ of an end of life ceremony. In my experience, nothing could be further from the truth.
The importance of endings
When a life ends, we grieve its passing. Grief can be deep and complex, and without a ceremony to say goodbye, it can be hard to process and can leave loved ones with emotions for which there is no outlet or resolution. Perhaps this is why every culture since the dawn of time has had rites and rituals marking the end of life. As well as being a way to say goodbye, an end of life ceremony can tell the loved one’s story, reflect their character, allow space for prayer or ritual and bring people together to share memories and comfort one another.
If I were able to talk to the woman who wrote that article, I would firstly want to give her a warm hug and mourn with her the ending that her mother deserved but never received. Afterwards, I would want to tell her that, even in the absence of a funeral, it’s never too late for an end of life ceremony. I have officiated at an ashes scattering in a beautiful natural setting much loved by the deceased, and a memorial service for a greatly respected man in a more formal setting, which included tributes, prayers and music. I have even led a funeral for a woman who didn’t want a funeral, but those who loved her very much needed one. As I have always said, funerals may be about the deceased, but they are primarily for the living.
All these options and more are available for your loved one too, even if they passed away some time ago. If there’s a goodbye that you never had a chance to say, or you were not able to say it in the way you wanted, I understand. My father’s funeral was not the way I would have chosen, and did not reflect his personality at all. This left me with much unhappiness, but it was also one of the pivotal moments that led me to becoming a celebrant. I wanted to give others a better experience than I was able to have.
I’d love to talk to you about how we can celebrate your loved one’s life in the way they deserve.
